COTT Question Time!
by jay5merlin
Summary: Yay, now is your chance to ask everyone in Class of the Titans a question. I have finally bothered to write the next chapter. Reviews are still welcome, even if everybody's run out of questions!
1. Introduction

**Welcome fans!**

ME (the author): Ok, everyone, this is your chance to ask the entire cast from Class of the Titans (preferably not branching out into completely obscure characters please, else the author will be confused) any questions you have ever wanted to ask!

Archie: Joy.

Me: Shush, Archie. You are interrupting which is sehr rude. So, review this with any questions you have and I (the author) will write another chapter!

Neil: Plenty of questions about me, of course.

Jay: And we can't be too long. Cronus may attack at any minute *starts panicking*.

Me: Excuse me while I tie Jay to a chair for his own sake... *a few moments later* so review, review! Tell me your questions, and I shall force everyone here to answer them! (By the way we are in a very small space and tempers may flare).

**Goodbye, see you later! *leaves***


	2. Magazine article

**I have changed the layout *sigh of relief from numerous reviewers*. It is now either a newspaper or magazine article. Probably more likely a magazine but I can't be bothered to decide which one. Any suggestions are welcome.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own COTT, Pantene™, any of the books I happen to mention or anything to be really honest.**

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On Saturday 23rd May 2009 budding interviewers **Bj-midge-4eva**, **hffkidzik**, and **Ginger-biscuits** were lucky enough to travel to the Brownstone in Canada, home of seven heroes whose destiny is to defeat the power-mad Cronus, Greek god of time. These heroes are Jay, Theresa, Archie, Atlanta, Herry, Odie and Neil.

First up to have the privilege of conversing with these five saviours is **Bj-midge-4eva**, whose questions is directed towards Neil, also known as The Good Looking: **How long does it take you to do your hair?**

The hero in question takes on the appearance of an extremely pleased feline creature, and runs a perfectly manicured hand through his Pride and Joy. "Well," he begins, in the manner of Alexandra Tolstoy, "every morning I begin with a light shampoo and conditioner. I particularly favour Pantene™ Pro-active enriched with Royal Jelly. (A.N. This is a mixture of roughly three adverts I have seen on TV). I find it strengthens my hair…" a dramatic pause ensues which it is believed only Neil could uphold, "…without it losing its natural shine. Once this is done I carefully blow dry it (in front of a mirror of course) whilst styling it with my various brushes and tongs. This process takes the best part of three hours."

As he finishes, another pause of mild awe follows, until our second anonymous interviewer, who has cunningly been named **hffkidzik**, steps forward. Their question is as follows: **Why do Archie and Atlanta deny their relationship?**

The purple-haired teen's complexion morphs into the same colour and complexion as the sofa he is sitting on, but Atlanta is not so restrained. "We are not in a relationship!" she barks. There is something of the national anthem about her. Another awkward pause follows, broken only by the huffing of certain irritated individuals at this unsatisfactory answer. Archie appears suggestively disappointed, but his denied girlfriend is having none of it, and we are forced to move on to our next interviewer-**Ginger-biscuits**.

**Ginger-biscuits** is evidently rather more curious about our heroes lives, with a rather long list of questions, the first of which is: **What books does everyone like reading?** A literacy discussion quickly evolves, with the following results:

Jay: Mortal Engines

Theresa: Gossip Girl

Archie: The Iliad

Atlanta: The No.1 Ladies Detective Agency

Herry: How to be a Domestic Goddess

Odie: The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

Neil: Harper's Bazaar

**Ginger-biscuits **nods his head approvingly, and proceeds onto his next question: **Where did you get the flying costumes?**

"Hephaestus." replies Jay. There seems to be nothing more to say about this, and indeed everyone remains silent.

Nodding his head a little less approvingly, **Ginger-biscuits **now says: **Is there a local swimming pool where you live?**

"No." says Atlanta firmly.

Again no-one seems to be offering anything more on the subject, but the reviewers clearly aren't going to put up with this, and there is a pause long enough for someone to open a tin of baked beans before Archie finally reports: "Well… there is one… at our school. That is… not like…. I've ever… been… in it. So to speak…"

Before everyone gives up on life, **Ginger-biscuits** quickly moves on: **Which floors do everyone sleep on?**

"Ah, I'm glad you asked that," pipes up Jay from his Chair of No Escape. "Allow me to draw you a diagram to illustrate exactly where we sleep." He whips out a pen and paper with the essence of One Who is Always Prepared and begins on his diagram. "Now, let's see, I'm at the top, oh, I'd better just add in that bookcase there. Oh, no, that's too small, you don't get the sense of scale, I'll just rub it out. That's better, now is the window on the left or right side of my bed? I think if I look at it from this angle it may change now…"

It is believed that this particular question may have to be left unanswered for the sake of everyone present's mental health, so, leaving Jay rambling on, **Ginger-biscuits **travels to his last question: **Does Cronus ever do anything apart from stare into that pool of water and think up evil plans?**

"Good question!" chortles Odie, twiddling with some computer wires at the hilarity of such a suggestion. "But for an accurate answer with no anomalies or false zeros, may I suggest that you ask the God of Time himself!"

We now switch to Cronus (the God of Time himself) who is sitting rather benignly in a chair. "Pool of water?!" he roars. "Evil plans!? Ahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!" He then pauses for breath, and continues to laugh evilly for a tedious ten minutes, before finally replying: "Well you would be right there." A pause which has become so familiar during this last twenty minutes settles like a cloud of talcum powder over the group. "BUT!" shrieks Cronus, surprising everyone so much that everyone is knocked off their seats, except Jay who is tied to his and too busy colouring in Archie's duvet colour in the correct shade of orange to notice. "BUT! I am of course also planning-planning, planning, planning-planning I tell you…" Pause. "…to take over the world!!"

"Well, no surprises there." Comments Theresa cheerfully.

**__________________________________________________________________________________**

**How to be a Domestic Goddess is a cookery book by the way.**

**Sorry it took me so long to post this, I just wrote it very slowly. Any more reviews and helpful comments are gratefully accepted. Thank-you to Hffkidzik, Ginger-biscuits and Bj-midge-4eva!**

**P.S. Ginger-biscuits is a friend of mine of Fanfiction, and requested that I leave out the question about the clothes, that's why it's not there :P**


	3. TV show

**Note to self: Working on four fics at one time while in the middle of exams is a bad idea.**

**Wow! I didn't think people were going to like this as much as they have. Thanks every so much to Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess, African Titan, Bj-Midge-4eva and a lot of anonymous reviewers who I have reason to believe that some of them are the same person? *confused***

**Anyhoooooow, here is the next set and it's a TV show. Once again all suggestions for formats and names are welcome :) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own COTT or any of these questions actually.**

**__________________________________________________________________________________**

"Hello, and welcome to one of the few chat shows in the world that doesn't have a name!" grins the presenter. "They're very rare you know! Anyhow, we are very lucky to welcome today Gods, heroes and maniacs (*cough* Cronus *cough*) alike, to this great show. Asking questions today will be **Bj-midge-4eva, African Titan, Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess **and the cunningly anonymous **secret celebrity, love first site 2009 **and** Aussie Rox!!! :D. **Alright, let's get on with it before I run out of things to say!"

First up to ask a question to the panel of heroes is **secret celebrity. **"Yeah, question for Archie and Atlanta." They say casually, meanwhile displaying a blood chilling smirk on their face. "There is something going on with you two and if you guys don't spill it I'm going to pay Cronus to make one of you tell!" They shoot another evil smirk to Atlanta. Cronus leans forward eagerly in his chair but the security are highly trained for this sort of situation and remain impassive. There is a long, long, long pause, that some of you may find oddly familiar.

"Well…" begins Archie with a strangely delighted look as if he has been waiting for this moment for a long time.

"Shut up, Archie!" screeches Atlanta. "We're not saying anything, because we have nothing to say! I REFUSE TO DEFY THE LAWS OF LOGIC!!!!"

There is a slight fear that the walls may come crashing down so the host quickly butts in: "Well, maybe Cronus will have to chance to earn some cash-but not now. Moving on thank-you!"

As **secret celebrity **walks off looking like they can't decide whether to look disappointed or smirk, a member of the audience can be heard to say "How, sweet. They fight like a married couple." Probably reminiscing about the 60s-goodness knows why. Thankfully, the slightly more sane (we hope) **Bj-midge-4eva **walks on, with a considerable sense of unprepared-ness.

"Ooh, umm," she begins. "Uh, questions… what's your favourite colour?"

"Inventive!" cries the host. "That was the first question I got asked when I started secondary school, but I refused to answer it. It's red anyhow."

"Er, well, I don't like to sound prejudiced," says Jay. "I mean, they're all great colours. Ummm-"

"Moving on!" cries the host cheerfully.

"Green." says Atlanta.

"Pink." says Theresa.

"Would they laugh more if I said black or purple?" wonders Archie. Everyone quickly begins to pretend searching in their handbags for something, even those who don't have handbags.

"I suppose red _is_ a nice colour." grins Herry.

"Do you expect me to have time to think about colours?" asks Odie. Silence.

"Oh!" cries Neil dramatically. "How can you make me decide? Such a hard question-I feel quite faint! They're all so wonderful; they look so good on clothes in particular-" he falls to the floor in a dead faint, but unfortunately recovers about seven seconds later.

Cronus laughs evilly. "Red!"

"Actually I've just gone off red," mutters the host.

"I just thought of another question!" pipes up **Bj-midge-4eva.** "This is for Odie:" suddenly ominous music begins to play. It seems to be coming out of the host's trainers, but who knows? "What are the chances of Archie and Atlanta ending up together?" The ominous music ends and goes off to find an ominous occasion where it will be appreciated. **Bj-midge-4eva** grins sweetly and the audience tries to look as if it's in suspense.

"Well," begins Odie, glad to be able to exercise his vocal cords. "It's changing all the time, but reaching the odds of 1:1 really quite rapidly." He bows and sits down again. Atlanta manages to give him the evil eye and the evil eyebrow.

**Bj-midge-4eva **seems pleased enough by this (the host hopes anyway) and walks off to make way for **love first site 2009, **who we rather rashly assume was previously called **love first site 2008,** but have no proof of. They clear their throat and begin. "I have a question for Theresa. When did you first find out that Archie and Atlanta had something going on?"

"Aah, I'm glad you asked me that," replies Theresa, seemingly quite glad that she has just been asked that. "Well, it was on the 31st of May 2008 at precisely 2:37 in the afternoon. Does that answer the question?"

"It certainly does!" assures that host. "And now, **love first site 2009, **if you would be so kind as to step aside for **Aussie Rox!!! :D**."

"Hey Atlanta," calls out **Aussie Rox!!! :D**, so that Atlanta is forced to desist in giving Odie the evil eyebrow. "Why do you continue to deny the fact that you do have a relationship with Archie even though everyone knows it?"

At this point the host appears to have a coughing fit, but can be heard to say: "*cough, cough* tedious *cough* unimaginative reviewers *cough, hack, cough* bit of a theme here *cough*."

Atlanta looks like she might be about to sing a song involving women's rights, world peace and green salad, so the host gets over her coughing fit long enough to say: "Don't you all realise that Atlanta has a reputation as a stubborn mule to hold up?!" then lapses into another bout of choking.

**Aussie Rox!!! :D **is clearly far too cheerful to be remotely disappointed at this non-existent answer (notice the cheesy grin that comes after the three exclamation marks) and skips off as **Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess** manages to walk up the steps without tripping (the host couldn't do it).

"Here is my first question," announces **Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess **calmly. She pauses for effect. At least, we all hope it is for effect. "Who doesn't like school?"

"I dunno, school's not _that_ bad," says Atlanta thoughtfully.

"Yeah, I don't mind school," follows Archie. "Except… the swimming… that is."

"Ummm, I don't like tests," Herry volunteers.

"Yeah, I guess I can put up with it," says Theresa casually.

Odie sighs. "I already know everyone they teach us at school."

"Are you kidding me?!" screeches Neil. "School?! Oh, well, it hardly gives me any time at all for beauty sleep, and I can't do my hair properly, AND SOMETIMES I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THE EVENINGS TO HAVE A SHOWER! AAAAARGH!!!"

"Of course none of us mind school," says Jay studiously. "It is, of course, necessary that we have a proper education."

The host grins. "Heh heh, somehow I can imagine Jay being a real teacher's pet. Anyhow, next up is **African Titan, **who in my view is one of the few remaining well balanced members of society today."

**Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess** smiles sanely, and **African Titan **comes onto the stage in a well mannered way. "Hey there!" he says, and certain members of the audience swoon. Neil pouts. "Let's see… my questions for the teens are as follows: Jay-is it scary dating a psychic? After all, you'd never be able to get away with ANYTHING with a girlfriend who can read your mind."

"Ah, well," mumbles Jay, trying to shift in his seat but failing because he is still tied down by the host. "As all you fans know, I was worried at first before Theresa and I admitted our love for each other-"

"Aaaaaaaah!" the audience sighs.

"-that Theresa would be able to tell I liked her so I asked her if she could read minds, but she couldn't yet. Now, of course, we trust each other."

"Aaaaaaaah!" the audience sighs.

"Theresa," continues **African Titan, **"do you ever read people's minds without asking?" he then coughs loudly, and could almost be heard to say 'Jay'.

Theresa begins to cough violently and runs off for a glass of water, even though there is one in front of her.

"Oh dear, it must be contagious." murmurs the host.

Unaffected by this turn of events, **African Titan **moves on. "Archie, we all know about how the others came to be at the school, but not with you. What's up with that? HOW did you come to be in New Olympia?"

"Ah well," Archie grins. "I'm afraid I cannot answer that question. You see, I find that a sense of mystery, unknown and vagueness boosts my character to dizzying heights. I have achieved something that the others failed to even register as a factor. I was surrounded by awe and wonder the minute I stepped foot into New Olympia." He shakes his head sadly. "I'm afraid that it is just another thing you will have to keep to yourself."

"I sent another griffin out for him." Hermes points out simply.

"We didn't know you were here!" cries everyone. That is how ignorant everyone is today.

"Actually, I did," remarks the marvellous know-all host. They're all round the back, all the gods and goddesses, it's just that no-one has bothered to ask them a question. Carry on please Hermes."

"Yes, as I was saying, I sent another griffin out for Archie, I just failed to mention it publicly." Hermes grins and returns to dressing room no. 48 where he has been discussing world politics with Apollo.

"Well, I'm glad that's sorted," says the host. "Now, **African Titan**, if you would be so kind as to continue with your questioning quickly (after all, this is getting terribly long)."

"Atlanta, have you ever secretly read some of Archie's poetry? And, if so, what did you think about it? Was it a bit too EMO for you liking?"

"What is it with all these random capitalised words?" mutters Archie, trying and failing to remain dignified after his stunning defeat.

Atlanta on the other hand is uncharacteristically dithery. "What? Archie? Poetry? EMO? What?"

"I should give up and take that as a no if I were you," Odie remarks helpfully to the mildly flustered reviewer.

The mildly flustered reviewer, a.k.a. **African Titan**, gives up and takes it as a no. "Neil, would you ever get a tattoo or piercing?"

"WHAT?!" screams Neil, naturally assuming that this is a prompt for some hilarious prank played on him that involves a tattoo and a piercing. He falls to the floor in shock, hyperventilating and screaming: "Get me a mirror!" Eventually the paramedics have to be called in to assess the situation. They carry Neil off on a stretcher to the nearest Hall of Mirrors, and the studio falls silent.

"He he, he'll never spot the one we put on the back of his neck," mutters Archie evilly, high fiving Atlanta. "It's a pity it's only temporary."

With a slight sense of relief felt by all who are still alive, **African Titan** proceeds to his very last question. It's a question that could change history, but many people doubt it will. "Herry, did you ever have a crush on Theresa or Atlanta?" Oh well. "You and Theresa DID seem rather cute together that time Eros went nuts."

"Hehehehehehehehehe," says Herry. "Hehehehehehehehehe," he continues. "Hehehehehehehehehehehe. No."

"Well, sadly, that's all we've got time for!" yells the host before anyone says anything to the contrary. "Goodbye!"

**__________________________________________________________________________________**

**Phew, long. So, the big questions are:**

**WILL Archie and Atlanta ever admit their relationship?**

**WILL the author ever bother to think of a name for this?**

**and**

**WILL pigs fly?**

**Review please!!! Jay5merlin**


	4. TV show again

**Oh wow, more reviews: The revered elegos-sirinial-shamtul has reviewed my story, and I must apologise profusely to him because I have only just realised that there in an 'I' in his name that I did not previously notice. Thank-you also to Ellen 26 and the numerous anonymous reviewers (but why there are so many anonymous ones baffles me.)**

**I really liked writing it TV style, and COTT's #1 fan EVA has helpfully said that they prefer it too, so that is how I will continue.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own COTT or anything. I did make up the answers though :) And I used a bit from one of elegos's stories, but you will see why.**

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"Welcome back to the nameless show!" cries the host. "Nameless until a kind reviewer supplies us with a suitable name (hint hint). Our first reviewer of the day is the revered **elegos-sirinial-shamtul **who has taken the hint and has some questions for the gods."

**Elegos-sirinial-shamtul** walks up on stage and the audience falls silent. He clears his throat and surveys the crows. "I have a few questions," he says. "Zeus, what were you and Granny REALLY getting up to last Mother's Day, and remember, HERA is watching."

"Oh no," mutters Archie darkly. "We're back with the random capitalised words."

"Well," begins Zeus, stroking his beard thoughtfully. "Taking into account that HERA is watching, and we're talking about HERA here, not just Hera, we were quite simply spending an innocent afternoon drinking lemonade and growing flowers. What's more, all seven heroes were present to witness this." He smiles contentedly, and appears to fall asleep.

Seeing that nothing more is going to come out of the apparently sleeping Zeus, **elegos **continues. "Archie, how drunk would you have to be to continue sleeping with Theresa?"

Archie's hair and face become matching colours, though whether his hair becomes white or his face becomes purple is yet to be confirmed. "Wha, wha, wha?**" **he gargles. This continues for some time until he manages to say: "The amount of alcohol needed for this to happen would probably kill me."

"Theresa, same question but about Archie?"

Theresa laughs a light hearted bubbling laugh that almost suggests she is not remotely disturbed by this question. "Aha! Well I'd have to be pretty drunk to do something like that!" The laughter continues. Everyone else chuckles nervously.

"Moving on!" screams the host. "Before this un-named TV show becomes 'M' rated."

The great **elegos-sirinial-shamtul **smiles sublimely at the havoc he has caused (at least it is assumed he was trying to cause havoc). "Odie," he continues. "What are the odds of you ever learning to throw a punch?"

"I'll have you know that I am perfectly capable of throwing a punch!" retorts Odie. "You may be the revered **elegos-sirinial-shamtul**, but I am Odie, descendent of Odysseus!"

"Eh, yes, we know, Odie."

"And I right! And a left! Left! Right! Right-left! Left-right! Hah! Hiyah! Haar-yaargh!" Odie jumps about wildly to the soundtrack of Theresa still giggling to the previous question, until, with an impressively unimpressive roundhouse kick, he falls off the stage. Herry is sent to fetch him back, and a psychiatrist is sent for to shut Theresa up.

**Elegos **continues. "Hermes, how much would it cost to get the Techno Greeks to upgrade my computer?"

Hermes is dragged from his political conversation, now wearing a pink feather boa for some extraordinary reason. "Well," he begins, twirling it around his fingers. "I think your original estimate of £200 is quite accurate. Of course it does depend on what kind of upgrade your looking for. If you're looking a basic one, faster internet access, virus protection, varied personal features etcetera, that would be less than £200. For £200 you could probably have a slightly better upgrade which includes all that, plus web-cam, touch screen and extra tools such as pens, cutters and microphone. If, however, you're thinking more of a full blown upgrade such as the ones the Techno Greeks have, that is more likely to cost the Table of Apollo, so good luck with that." He walks off.

This being **elegos-sirinial-shamtul's **last question, he bows until he can touch his shoelaces with his nose, and exits.

"Come on up our next interviewer!" cries the host. "It's **COTT's #1 fan in the world EVA, **so let's hope they are sporting a good question!"

**COTT's #1 fan in the world EVA** comes up on stage, gasping and spluttering. This goes on for some time until they finally get their breath back to ask: "How old are you guys?"

"May I recommend Wikipedia?" asks the rather rude sarcastic host.

Jay, who was rather upset not to be asked a question by the great **elegos**, takes this question under his yellow and purple striped wing. "We are all sixteen except for Archie and Atlanta who are fifteen." He states, in the kind of language a foreigner who has never even heard of English could understand.

"Thank-you for that, Jay" the host smiles sweetly. "And thank-you to **COTT's #1 fan in the world EVA, **we hope you will ask us some more questions when you get your breath back. Now please welcome **CAT LOVER 7**, the world's seventh cat lover (they're rare you know), who has some bad news, and a rather familiar question."

**CAT LOVER 7** comes up and looks pointedly at Atlanta. "Come on Atlanta," they say, "you know that you want to tell that you like Archie more than a friend." A sad little pause ensues. "There's a dying 8-year-old whose only dream was to hear you say that you like him more than a friend so, please?"

The audience all do a quick bout of synchronise sniffing and quickly reach for their handkerchiefs, even those without handkerchiefs. Even the host is mildly touched. But Atlanta remains completely unaffected and purses her lips.

"And we thought that Atlanta was the environmentalist here…"

Archie, however, suddenly rises to his feet. "No!" he cries. "I'm afraid I must break my unholy vows for the sake of a dying cat's last wish! (We are talking about cats here, and I'm rather partial to those.) I admit it! We are in a relationship! I love Atlanta though whether she will still love me after I chose a cat over her is yet to be confirmed! But yes! We did not actually go to the cinema last Thursday like we said we did. Nor did we really go skating on the 9th of May, but I think I better keep what we did do a secret for the time being. Ahem. That is all I has to say, rest in peace, cat." He sits back down with the contented smile of someone who has been waiting a long time to do something momentous then finds that they can do two momentous things at once.

The audience all reach for their handkerchiefs again, existent or otherwise.

"Well, that's all we've got time for!" announces the cheerful host. "Thank-you for watching!"

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**Thank-you! Love Jay5merlin.**


	5. Someone think of a name for this!

**Oh help! I've never had this experience where reviews come in about seven a day, there are so many! Never mind, it's good fun. I would like to thank elegos-sirinial-shamtul, 4evacrazy, Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess, Arlene Aardwolf and all the anonymous people.**

**By the way, the great elegos has given me a statement that I thought I ought to put in: "Oh, and just so people know, I assure you, the flames left anonymously ARE NOT from Ellen 26, you can tell this because Ellen 26 actually knows how to spell Herry.  
So don't have a go at her, she's being impersonated."**

**Disclaimer: No.**

**__________________________________________________________________________________**

"Yay, welcome back to our show!" cries the host. "For goodness sake will someone just think of a name for it already?! Anywaaaaaaaaay, our first reviewer who is sehr unusual is many respects, firstly that she is not anonymous, and secondly that she appears to be new to the wonderful wise kingdom of COTT."

**Arlene Aardvark** takes the stage. We would like to imagine here that there is an impressive hushed silence, but there isn't. "I have a few funny questions:" she says. "Jay, what are the chances that you and Theresa will gradually have a child at the age of sixteen?"

"Very low!" shrieks Jay as fast as the words will come out of his mouth. It is interesting to know that Theresa does not respond to this, which to be honest is very disappointing.

"What does she mean have a child 'gradually'?" pretend-whispers Herry to Odie.

"I'm not sure, aren't all children gradual?" pretend-whispers Odie back.

"I don't know what she means. I'm confused."

"I'm a bit confused too."

"I'm a bit confused too," says the host. "But let's try not to be too pedantic, and just assume that the chances are very low, gradually or not. Next question-quick!"

"Atlanta," continues **Arlene Aardvark,** so far living up to the world of COTT havoc and madness very well. "is it true that you were in bed with Pan last night? Is that why you objected Archie's date?"

"What?!" shrieks Atlanta. "No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. No. No, no, no."

"Why don't you just record you voice and play it in the background?"

"Uhuh, no, nope, nopey, nopey nope. Nope. Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrongy wrong, wrong. Incorrect, false, wrong, no. Well… I kind of… sat on the edge." Long pause.

"Why isn't Archie mad?" pretend-whisper-asks Herry.

"He probably has a guilty secret of his own!" cries the host gleefully. "Come on, next question, oh my it's a goodie!"

"Neil, I heard from one of my COTT friends you were spending the night at Theresa's bedroom doing your so called 'business', don't be afraid to admit it!" proclaims **Arlene Aardvark.**

"Yes, I know, _shocking_ business," cries Neil. "There are was, standing on the landing, _unshowered_ for almost _three hours_, and all the bathrooms on the dorm in use. Well, I couldn't go and _share _a shower with someone I mean, what if I used _their shampoo_ by mistake!?"

"That's not quite the point-"

"_Well_, there was only one thing for it! I had to go and ask Theresa is I could use her en-suite bathroom to have a shower (typical that Theresa should be the _only one _to have an en-suite bathroom). To my _enormous_ relief, she said yes, and I was able to have a shower. Well, there you go, any more questions for _me_ don't _hesitate_ to ask."

"Why is Neil randomly accentuating words?"

"Quick, next question before Neil says anything else!"

**Arlene Aardvark **comes to her final question. "Herry, do you like Odie? Odie, do you like Herry? Because you spend an awful lot of time together!"

"Erm, you mean as friends, right?" splutters Herry.

"Oh god, they've all got guilty secrets!" groans the host. "Except Hermes, none of his guilty secrets are secrets. Anyway, anyone who watches COTT can tell that Odie and Herry are one of those cute clichéd situations where the director is trying to raise awareness in kids by making two total opposites best friends ever. You come across a lot of that in kids' cartoons."

**Arlene Aardvark** walks off laughing, back comes **Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess,** who appears to have thought of some more questions. "Question for Neil:" she begins. "Would you ever get married and have children?"

"Children?!" shrieks Neil "Children?! Did you say children?!"

"Er, yes, Neil-children."

"Children?! I can't have children! They would break my mirror! M-m-my lovely mirror! They would mess up my hair! Do you have any idea how messy and how _sticky_ children are?! My hair! My clothes! How long would my clothes last around children!? When would I have time to go shopping or to do my hair or to have a shower?! Would I ever have 'me' time again?! Would I ever have a life again!?"

"Yes, folks, these and other rhetorical questions will be answered after the show has finished." announces the host. "Meanwhile-moving on!"

"Question for Herry," continues **Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess. **"Do you go and see Granny everyday?"

"*sniff*, I wish I could but, you know *sniff*, we're so busy, fighting Cronus! Being heroes! There's just no time to see her everyday. *sob* a-a-and she's a-a-all I-I-I've got. I miss her! I'm a terrible grandson! *sob*" cries Herry, then collapses onto the table heaving and sobbing.

"Aren't they cute together?" sighs an old lady in a purple headscarf in the audience.

"Actually that's made me feel a bit teary," murmurs the host. "Quick! Move on before it materialises into something!"

"Questions for Archie:" says **Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess. **"Do you ever daydream of Atlanta dressed in something other than her normal clothes?"

"Ah, well, funny you should say that," chuckles Archie. "I did have a hilarious dream the other night where we were all watching the cricket-well, not all of us-and suddenly Atlanta walked in wearing a space-suit with a teapot on her head. It was hilarious!"

"That's not quite what she, means, Archie-"

"Ahaha, and then-this is really great-Odie came in wearing nothing but a lampshade and a pair of yellow socks!" Archie roars with laughter and someone murmurs something about nothing more boring than having to listen to somebody else's dreams.

"Question for Odie:" interrupts **Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess, **only the interruption doesn't quite work because Archie carries on in the background. "Are you dating the nymph Calypso?"

"Well obviously not because I'm far too busy comforting Herry," snaps Odie. "I have to say, I'd much rather be on a date right now than on the TV show!"

"I think we may have to move on due to the fact that none of the heroes appear to understand the questions," suggests the host. "Next we have The Great **elegos-sirinial-shamtul,** who to my absolutely enormous disappointment doesn't know how to spell sandwich (don't panic, neither do I)."

**Elegos **takes the stage and cast a haughty glance at the host with her state of the art spell check. "I have a few questions-"

"Ooh, consistent as well!" squeals a member of the audience.

"Yes fans," beams the host. "For those of you paying attention to the last show we aired, that was how **elegos** began his speech last time. Excellent. Wonderful. Ahem, please continue."

After looking down upon the host from a great height, **elegos** continues. "Archie, Jay, Neil, Herry and Odie: given the option in a consequence free environment, would you sleep with any of the goddesses, and, if so, which one?"

"Ooh, gosh, tricky."

"Yes, well, it's hard to decide."

"Well, not Hera of course."

"No! Not Hera… or any of the really old goddesses for that matter."

"Well, they're all really old aren't they, Odie?"

"Yes, Herry, but, you know what I mean?"

"Yeah."

"I don't often have a consequence-free experience. This is really tricky."

"Mmm, well I can't imagine you having many consequence experiences, Archie."

"I suppose I can't have Aphrodite because she's my mentor?"

"You're right there, Neil."

"I'll have Aphrodite!"

"What about Persephone? She's nice."

"Herry, you were scared to pick here up when she was stuck to the Chair of Forgetfulness!"

"Heh heh."

"*sigh*, Artemis and Athena are complete no-go areas of course."

"Yeah, Jay, of course!"

"I though that this was a consequence-free situation?"

"Hmm."

"Well, the problem is there aren't many other choices."

"Ah! I've got it!"

"What, Odie?"

"The Horae!"

"Oh yes, that's a great idea. We'll go for them then."

"But Neil, there are five of us and only four of them!"

"Well, Archie, one of us can have Persephone or Aphrodite."

"I'd go for Aphrodite; I'd hate to face Hades."

"Yeah, but if you go for Aphrodite Hephaestus might make a net to catch you naked in it like he did for Ares!"

"Aargh!"

"Yes, but this is a consequence-free zone!"

"Alright then, we'll go for the Horae and either Persephone or Aphrodite."

The host jumps up. "Before anyway can say anything else and this conversation gets longer, would someone please read the next question?" She sits down.

"Theresa and Atlanta," says **elegos.** "How do you feel about their answers?"

"What did they say?" asks Theresa, looking up from her bottle of nail varnish. Atlanta is reading a book called 'How to Save the Planet'. "We got bored after the first 14 seconds. Why don't you just go onto the next question?"

"Herry, what constitutes the perfect sandwich?"

"Well," replies Herry. "You really need to try the ones that Athena makes but, if she's busy, first you need to find some good bread. It can't be too stale or too crumbly, and when you spread the butter on make sure you spread it evenly right up to the corners. Then, raid the fridge/cupboard and find all of your favourite foods then measure out double helpings of all of them. Carefully place the food on the bottom piece of bread making sure none of it sticks out over the edge, place the top piece of bread on top, then stand back and survey. If all is to your liking then eat it."

For his last question, the almighty **elegos** has only this statement: "Neil: how much wood would a wood-chuck chuck if a wood-chuck could chuck wood?" A few members of the audience swoon over his mastery of all things tongue-twistery.

"Ah, as much wood as a wood-chuck would chuck if a wood-chuck could chuck wood." grins Neil in reply, also appearing to be a master of tongue-twisteryness. A few more members swoon, though it turns out this is just because someone forgot to turn the air conditioning on in the studio.

"Oh, not just a pretty face," says Archie sarcastically.

Neil bows. The Great **Elegos-sirinial-shamtul** bows. Both exit. Neil is hauled back. **Cat lover 7** comes on stage. You may remember them.

**Cat lover 7** clears their throat. "Statement for Archie and Atlanta..." dramatic pause "SUCK IT IN, THERE IS NO CAT!" They then proceed to laugh evilly for quite some time, until they finally stop and sigh. "I couldn't be happier with the way this plan has turned out, I'll leave you two to scream at each other or have your first kiss-your choice."

"Ah well, anything for a cat," Archie sighs, smiling idiotically.

"Um, Archie, I don't think you quite get it…"

"Anyway, we've already had our first kiss!" roars Atlanta. "Stupid cat," she mutters.

"And with that we've finished the show!" cries the host. "Not the series you'll be sorry to hear, just the show. We'll be rolling the credits to the background music of Atlanta screaming at Archie. Now I really better start on that Chemistry revision-goodbye!"

**__________________________________________________________________________________**

**Heh heh, we have reached chapter 5. I am serious, anyone with a remotely good name for this show will get a prize, and the prize is… the knowledge that you have thought of a remotely good name and therefore must be a Remotely Good Name Thinker-Upper.**

**Love Jay5merlin :D**


	6. Week Days with Seven

**Help! I'm not used to so many reviews! (Though it's really cool :D) Thank-you kindly to Jen230, Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess, elegos-sirinial-shamtul and secret celebrity, who incidentally keeps popping up.**

**Disclaimer: *sigh* Nope**

**__________________________________________________________________________________**

"Hello!" shrieks your fabulous host; re-splendid in her tomato red school uniform (it's true). "We are back and have some _very_ special news to impart. Someone has picked up on the fact that this show is completely nameless (plus my inordinate amount of hinting) and has contributed a name. Ahem. Please give an enormous round of applause for **secret celebrity!!!!!** *cheer* who has come up with the frankly brilliant idea of 'Week Days with Seven'. I haven't got a clue what it means but sounds good. Now, let us travel in one sweep of the eyeball to our first reviewer: **Jen230.**"

**Jen230 **comes up on stage with a large Tesco shopping bag. She throws this to one side and begins. "Theresa," she says. "The stump thought the skunk stunk. Can you say that?" she laughs evilly.

"Umm," murmurs Theresa, thinking back to nowhere in particular. "Let me see. The… stump… thought… the… skunk……stunk. Yay, I said it!"

"I don't think that really counts."

"Well it's still a tongue twister.

"Erm."

"Jay," continues **Jen230 **after everyone has shut up. "She sells seashells by the seashore.  
The shells she sells are surely seashells.  
So if she sells shells on the seashore,  
I'm sure she sells seashore shells. Can you say that?"

"Ooh," speculates Jay. "Hang on-She… sells… sea…shells-"

"Faster than that!" shrieks the director, who appears to be the only person considering the unapparent time limit on this program.

"She sells sea-sells by the sea-sore, the shells that se shells are surely she-sells, so if she shells shells on the sea-shore, I'm sure se sells sea-sell sores. Is that any better?" puffs Jay.

**Jen230** nods and we can only hope that it was a nod of consent rather than a nod to her secret police to come out of hiding. "Theresa, *chuckles* if Jay didn't exist, would you go out with Archie or *squeal* Neil?"

"Ooh, erm, tricky," mutters Theresa. "I would have to weigh of the good and bad points of course. Archie good: errrrrrrrr, pass. Archie bad: depressing, short tempered, competitive, immature etcetera. Neil good: good looking, good for a laugh. Neil bad: egotistical, boring, self obsessed etcetera. Therefore I would have to say NEIL, seeing as I can't think of any good points for Archie." She grins sweetly and gets away with it in the way that only Theresa can.

"Here's a tricky tongue twister that I bet none of you heroes can say correctly:" smiles **Jen230**.

"Mr. See owned a saw.  
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.  
Now, See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw  
Before Soar saw See,  
Which made Soar sore.  
Had Soar seen See's saw  
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,  
See's saw would not have sawed  
Soar's seesaw.  
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.  
But it was sad to see Soar so sore  
just because See's saw sawed  
Soar's seesaw. It took me WEEKS to perfect that."

"Is this going to become a recurring theme?!" shouts Archie.

"Hmm, interesting," says Jay. "Mr… See… owned-"

"Shut up, Jay!"

"I can't be bothered to try," grumbles Atlanta. "I'm going to be lazy like the host." (Host grins).

"Here are a couple of MORE questions," cries **Jen230**.

"Yes, that famous couple that mysteriously turns into four," points out the host, who is studiously ignored by just about everybody.

"Herry," says **Jen230**, also among the ignorers. "I bet you a gazillion, thousand, million, trillion, billion dollars-"

"Is that even a number, Odie?"

"-that you can't say this tongue twister."

"It IS a recurring theme," moans Archie.

"Shut up and listen to the reviewer, Archie."

"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.  
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?  
If Peter Piper Picked a peck of pickled peppers,  
Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?"

"Ah yes," sighs Herry dreamily, completely and utterly oblivious to this question. "Rather partial to pickled peppers myself. I can remember many a sunny morning standing in the kitchen with my hand in a jar of pickled peppers. Yes, and as I ate them, I used to sing myself a little ditty that Granny taught me. How did it go? Ah yes, Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.  
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?  
If Peter Piper Picked a peck of pickled peppers,  
Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked? Complete genius that."

"Seeing as he hasn't noticed the inordinately large amount of money involved here, I suggest you move swiftly onwards," remarks the host.

"Odie, what would you say if somebody where to comment that your hairstyle has been out of style for more than eighty years?" **Jen230 **asks quickly. "How would you react?"

"Are you kidding, man?" splutters Odie. "My hair is _awesome._ I'm proud to be who I am, nothing and no-one could make me change just by an unrelated comment like that. Besides," he adds dreamily. "Calypso liked it."

"Ah well," sighs **Jen230**. "Archie here's a question for you. If Atlanta wasn't in the team would you rather date Theresa or be gay and date someone like *lols* NEIL?"

"Ayaark!" shrieks Archie, dragged out of cynicality for a brief moment. "Neil?! Certainly not! Well, I couldn't date Theresa because, firstly, she clearly doesn't think I'm worth dating and secondly, Jay is already dating her. But I can't be gay in-case I _accidentally _date Neil. *shudders* I don't know, I guess I'd just have to date no-one."

The audience aaws briefly.

"Herry, do you think Theresa's cute?" asks **Jen230. **"Or better, ARE you in LOVE WITH a certain… THERESA?"

"More spurious capitalised words there," remarks Archie.

**Jen230 **leaves the room laughing hysterically, before she has a chance to actually hear the answer to the questions.

"I thought we'd already cleared this up?" whined Herry.

"Panic not, Herry, she's already gone!" the host grins. "Perfectly timed for our next reviewer: **Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess!"**

**Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess **sashays up on stage. "I have a question," she announces. "Who is an only child and who has siblings?"

"Only child," sighs Theresa.

"Only child, of course!" splutters Neil.

"Only child, you'd have thought that they show so much of my family they'd at least show my siblings if I had any!" speculates Jay.

"Only child," Herry grins.

"I'd rather not talk about it," mumbles Archie.

"Dark past bothering you, Arch?" asks the host, sort-of sympathetically.

"I don't know, I don't pay much attention to my siblings," says Odie. "They're always too busy _playing_ _outside _*shudders*."

"I have a really stupid older brother," huffs Atlanta. "There's nothing worth saying about _him_."

"Well, all our heroes seem to have effectively dodged that question," remarks the host. "It's a good job the wholly remarkable **elegos-sirinial-shamtul** has come back into our lives, please welcome him!"

**Elegos-sirinial-shamtul** walks up the stage stairs blinking maniacally. He is holding a piece of paper in his hand, that turns out to be his previous review (gosh what an organised chap). He blinks. He checks the review. He then proceed to swear loudly and graphically, before suddenly looking around to see if anyone heard, which is, of course, just about everyone. After lamenting on about something to do with being unable to spell 'sandwich' correctly, he begins. "I have a few questions."

Along with his consistent first lines, the consistent swooning begins.

"Jay, in a hypothetical scenario, you have two options, save Theresa's life and allow Cronus to escape, or stop Cronus permanently and allow Theresa to die. Which would you choose?"

"I would just like to point out to anyone who's listening," says Jay, for you must realise that although everyone is all ears to the wondrous **elegos,** very few people bother to listen to Jay. Often with dire consequences. "That I have already been in this hypothetical situation unhypothetically a number of times. Who can forget the countless moments when, just as we have Cronus in our grasp Theresa suddenly finds herself in a desperate situation, and I have flung aside the chance to capture Cronus to save her?!"

There is a spot of synchronised umming and aahing from various members of the team, but nothing comes to light.

**Elegos **continues. "Persephone, what are your feelings on pomegranates? Are they the fruit that led you to your love Hades? Or the fruit that left you trapped in the underworld with no hope of return?"

"Ooh, a question for meeee!" shrieks Persephone, hurrying from the dressing rooms where all the gods and goddesses are still stashed, wearing a silver cowboy hat. Word gets round that the Olympians have been rummaging through the dressing up boxes. "Well, pomegranates led me to my dear love Hades of course *high pitched giggle*, and our dear puppy Cerberus. You know, we are celebrating our 3009th wedding anniversary this year!"

"Chiron," says **elegos**, who really does seem to have picked up on the fact that not only the heroes are capable of answering questions. "Which television show do you prefer-House or ER?"

"What?!" yells Chiron, removing a fish bowl from his head. "Well ER of course! Brilliant show that!"

"Yes, if I am correctly informed they recently aired their last show ever," says the host airily.

"What?!" gasps Chiron, running off shouting: "Apollo! You remembered to record the last episode of ER, didn't you?!"

"Archie," says **elegos**, having now caused further havoc. "Which is your favourite, the Iliad or the Odyssey? Odie, same question."

Archie hums and hahs irritatingly about this for a while, before saying: "Well… I don't know… they're both good really…aren't they?" Such words of wisdom.

Odie punches the air for the second time that day. "The Odyssey, man! That book is _awesome_!"

"We suddenly find ourselves in a state of great desperation and disappointment, AS THE GREAT **ELEGOS** HAS COME TO HIS LAST QUESTION!!" shrieks the host.

"Gaah!" shrieks the audience.

"Neil, what is your favourite sport?"

"Sport!" cries Neil. "Don't talk to me about sport! Honestly-sport! Why, the very word 'sport' makes me feel tired, sssspoooooooorrrrrrrrt."

Giving up on this one, **elegos-sirinial-shamtul** bows, then exits the stage, acquiring numerous purple ribbons as he goes. The famous **secret celebrity **(famous for being the only person in this Fanfiction kingdom bothered enough to think of a name for this show) comes up.

"Question for Archie," they smile. "Have you kissed Atlanta any other times when she was unconscious?"

"What?!" screams Atlanta murderously. "When? Where? Who? _Why?_"

"Um, well, being a girl it is only natural that she should be unconscious more than anybody else," explains Archie, more to himself than anybody else. "Except for Theresa that is-" (evil eye from Theresa) "-but it was only really _once_. Of course there have been other times," he adds, "when she was in a complete state of consciousness. Or at least has appeared to be. Hmmm. Yes, that is all I have to say."

"Well that's all we've got time for today!" cries the host, who you may notice is slipping into a bit of a monotonous pattern. "Join us again next time on this fabulous show that actually has a name now!" Thrills.

**__________________________________________________________________________________**

**I'm sorry I haven't done everybody's questions, you will al be in the next chapter. Basically I went away all weekend and then my emails all came crashing down when I finally had access to a computer. Fear not.**

**Love jay5merlin.**


	7. Rhetorical Questions and life of COTT

**Good grief! This is my punishment for being lazy, I have finally decided to write chapter 7 and I have dozens of reviews! Anyway, I've split the questions in half because I had two suggestions for names, so if your question isn't in this chapter then it's in chapter 8.**

**Thank-you to: Cat Lover 7, 4evacrazy, Jen 230, Bj-midge-4eva, Ayume hime, Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess, COTT's #1 fan in the world EVA and secret celebrity, who I gather is now no longer anonymous.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own COTT, any of these questions or Starsky and Hutch.**

**__________________________________________________________________________________**

"Welcome back fans!" cries your host, thankfully not in a tomato red uniform for the summer holidays. "After months of being unable to bother about anything, you rejoin us, this time in 'Rhetorical Questions and the Life of COTT', suggested once again by the marvellous **secret celebrity**!"

The audience shrieks with delight at the wisdom of this title.

"First up on stage is **secret celebrity**!"

The audience shrieks with delight at the wisdom of this pen-name.

**Secret celebrity **comes up, somehow not slipping on the stairs leading up to the stage (A.N. I live in fear of this), tightens her shoelaces and begins. "Two questions for Atlanta," she announces. "Do you find that you are usually the one being hypnotised?"

"What?!" cries Atlanta. "Hypnotised?! What the hell are you talking about, I've never been hypnotised! What rot!" She continues to huff about in this way until **secret celebrity **is advised to move on to the next question.

"And," she says, because please don't forget this is the 'Let's irritate Atlanta episode', "after **Cat Lover 7's** amazing do you still like cats?" She snickers hysterically, which is quite hard to do.

"What?!" shrieks Atlanta.

"It's a recurring theme!" shrieks Archie.

"I never said I liked cats! Are you incompetent?! How can I still like cats if I never liked them in the first place?!" Atlanta is quickly sedated and the next interviewer comes on.

"It's **Cat Lover 7**!" cries the host. "The person who invented cats, lovers, the number seven and the amazing plan of how to get Archie and Atlanta to admit they're sweethearts!"

**Cat Lover 7 **comes up and glares at Atlanta.

"Someone administer the antidote to the sedatives!"

"Hey," says **Cat Lover 7** in a rather cool fashion. "When have you ever had your first kiss?" They then pull a face like Bruno out of 'The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas'.

"I would like to make an announcement!" cried the host in an inappropriate moment. "The director (the only person who bothers to keep time) has just informed me that we are going to interpret the fact that as the glare was directed at Atlanta, the question is directed at Atlanta, and I'm sorry if what I just said wasn't proper English!"

Unfortunately, Atlanta hasn't yet been roused from the rather efficient sedatives, so Archie decides to make a helpful remark.

"May I suggest you watch the excellent episode 'Little Box of Horrors', in which I am portrayed as a gallant and noble hero who saves the day?" he grins.

"And also as a bit of an idiot who doesn't take advice." remarks the host. "Moving on!"

The penultimate interviewer is **4evacrazy** who comes on wearing a purple scarf, a purple hat, purple gloves, a purple top, purple trousers, purple shoes and maroon coloured socks. "Ok," she says, her voice muffled slightly by the scarf. "A game of Would You Rather! *laughs evilly* Let the games begin! *grins evilly* And these are all assuming you HAVE to pick one! *blinks evilly* Jay, would you rather I inform you that Cronus is presently attacking your hometown now, or after we're done here?"

"Whaaaaaat?!" yells Jay, leaping heroically from his seat. The director appears to have anticipated this sort of situation though, and has tied Jay to his chair before coming on air, so the heroic intention is rather lost on all witnesses. Instead he just falls on his face.

"Seeing as Jay is now indisposed," the host pipes up, "shall we move on (hint hint)?"

"Atlanta," continues **4evacrazy, **first checking that Atlanta is actually conscious, "Would you rather be forced to wear skirts, dresses, and makeup for the rest of your life or give up hunting, running, and all other sports for the rest of your life?"

"Oh, at last, a competent question," huffs Atlanta, looking a bit like an overworked pop star. "Well, that's pretty obvious. If I wore skirts and dresses for the rest of my life I wouldn't be able to play sport because I can't run in a skirt. Honestly, now I think about it that is not a particularly competent question. So rather than never being able to play sport and looking like a twit, I'll just give up sport."

"Herry," grins **4evacrazy**, "would you rather live with Tantalus' curse (living in eternal hunger  
and never being able to eat/drink but not dying because of this) or never speak to, see, or hear from Granny again?"

"*sniff* if I was never able to see my dear Granny ever *sniff* again, then I wouldn't be able to eat from grief *sob*," cries Herry. "And actually, I would die of hunger that way whereas with Tantalus's curse I wouldn't so I choose that." he remarks, brightening up suddenly as if the prospect of living with a curse is quite pleasing.

"Archie, would you rather lose Atlanta to Pan or live in Poseidon's underwater palace for the rest of your life? (With scuba gear of course, but still!)"

After muttering for a considerably long time about something to do with tedium and a recurring theme, Archie offers these words of wisdom. "Well… let me think about this… logically."

The audience groans, except for a few particularly Archie-obsessed fan girls who are hanging on his every word.

"Well… if I lose Atlanta to Pan… I've lost Atlanta to Pan."

"Very logical."

"But… I probably stay dry for most of my life. If I live… _underwater…_ for the rest of my life… I will most likely be dry… because of the scuba gear… but… still… water everywhere… _u__u__u__u__u__h__... _and would I be able to see Atlanta while underwater? Most likely… not very often… sooooo…" at this point the director mentions something about time and space and time and how we're running out "I choose… erm… lose Atlanta to Pan… because… if I'm underwater I've lost Atlanta anyway."

Everyone present sighs mightily with relief as Archie's monologue ends, except for the sparse population of Archie-obsessed fan girls who groan inwardly at his silence.

"Quick! Onto the next question!" shrieks the host. "Before he either starts again, we all lie down and die or I lost my contract!"

"Odie, Would you rather fail out of high school or be sent to jail for 30 some years without chance for perol or bail?" asks **4evacrazy **quickly.

"No way, man," replies Odie, punching the air which seems to be his favourite past time. "There's no chance of either of those situations happening."

"So self confident."

"Odie, firstly she's a girl, secondly you HAVE to choose one. That is an un-spuriously capitalised 'have' there."

"I will put this to you very cleverly and quickly," announces Odie. "If-I-go-to-jail-I-will-fail-high-school-anyway-so-I-would-rather-fail-high-school-and-try-to-build-a-new-life-for-myself-rather-than-waste-thirty-years-of-my-life-without-hope-in-jail-thank-you-very-much-Odie-out."

"Wonderful."

"Theresa," says **4evacrazy.**

"Me?!" squeals Theresa delightedly.

"That appears to be the implication."

"Theresa, would you rather lose your *cough*… _flower_… to Archie or Neil?"

"Oh, well that's _easy_," giggles Theresa. "You see, if I had a flower, like a rose or an orchid or a sunflower or a lily or something nice and pretty like that, and I was silly enough to lose it *giggles* I would rather Archie found it, because if _Neil_ found it he would probably keep it for himself, whereas Archie probably doesn't want a flower so he would return it to me."

A stunned silence follows, but it is not certain whether it is due to the question, the answer, or the fact that a red car with Starsky and Hutch in it has just burst in through the west window.

"Neil," says **4evacrazy**, once the smelling salts have been administered. "Would you rather get a tattoo of an 'L' on your forehead (big, bold, and red) or wear tacky clothes for the rest of your life?"

"Ooh," cries Neil. "What does the 'L' stand for I wonder? Surely it must stand for a great characteristic of me! Let's see… could it be lovely? Luscious? Lively? Long lasting? I've got it! It must be lucky! Oh yes, I can see it now, now the whole world will know!"

"Quite."

**4evacrazy** walks off, smirking on cue and flicking a purple handkerchief.

**Jen 230 **replaces her in a shower of green glitter. "GAH!" she sobs "they've out best me!" No-one is entirely sure what this means, but luckily she moves on. "Anyway, here's a question for-dun dun dun" she giggles, and evil music starts playing from the radio of Starsky and Hutch's car.

"You know what this means!" cries Hutch heroically/cheesily, and they drive out through the east window.

"A question for who?"

**Jen 230** continues mysteriously. "Have you ever kissed anybody else? Other than Atlanta?"

"Aah, it must be Archie."

"Excellent deductive thinking there, Herry."

"Why, thank-you, Odie. Shall we play 'Chicken Warriors 2000' when this is all over?"

"Get on with it!" yells the old lady in the headscarf from the front row.

"Well," begins Archie. "Do aunts count?"

"Why, of course they do, Archie," says the host. "Kissing an aunt is a very serious business. Only a lucky few escape this sort of thing, but then again I'm always being kissed by my sister which I don't always fully appreciate."

"Um…well…"

"Jay, have you ever kissed somebody else other than Theresa?" asks **Jen 230, **who appears to have given up on Archie but not the actually question.

"Well, I've kissed aunts before…"

"Oh, good grief!"

"No." Jay finishes formally. "I am an absurdly loyal and faithful boyfriend, both of which are the same thing. I recommend myself."

Cue screaming from Jay-obsessed fan girls sitting in the audience.

"Madelia," says **Jen 230**, really expanding here, "do you think Jay and Theresa are a cute couple? Or would you rather keep Jay for yourself?"

"GAAAAAH! DESTROOOOOY JAAAAAAY!" screams Madelia, leaping across the stage, fangs bared.

"Since when has Madelia possessed fangs?" wonders Odie.

Although Madelia's response doesn't seem to answer either parts of the question, **Jen 230**, who is appearing terribly lax about the whole situation, continues onto her next question. "Odie," she says, "what do you do in your spare time, apart from playing countless and pointless computer games?"

"Er, well, I… design computer games… and… test them, which is different from actually playing them… and… I sleep, and… eat, occasionally, and fight Cronus, which is not really spare time stuff… sooooo…"

"Basically the answer is 'nothing'," Archie points out sadistically.

"Seeing as we still have five questions to go, let's move on shall we?" the host says cheerfully, whilst checking that the next question doesn't involve kissing, hypnosis or pointing out peoples' faults.

"Theresa," says **Jen 230, **"how come your mother wasn't mentioned? I mean, is she dead or like, divorced from your father?"

"Oh, that's eeeeeeeasy to explain," replies Theresa. "You see, friend, when we went to see my daddy in that episode a while back whose name I can't remember with Autolycus in it, Mummy was quite simply _asleep_. You can't expect her to stay up forever while Daddy's taking business calls late into the night now can you?"

"And _I _would like to point out," the host says unhelpfully, "that apart from Jay's parents and Theresa's father and Herry's granny, none other relation to the heroes has been mentioned. As far as we know, Neil, Archie, Atlanta and Odie could be living on Rainham Marshes with the water voles."

"Atlanta, do you think Archie's cute with his purple hair?" asks **Jen 230.**

"Mmm," murmurs Atlanta, who has finally come round. "Cute? No. I would rather say…"

A…  
very long…  
and…  
not particularly dramatic…  
pause…  
ensues…

"Pallid."

"Pallid?"

"Yes."

"Right."

"Herry, if your granny was made of chocolate-would you eat her?" asks **Jen 230**, veering dangerously into a 'Would You Rather' scenario.

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"You couldn't possibly expand on that, Herry?" asks the director, who is trying to get the ratings up.

"Well, I would have to find a really big ice box, wouldn't I? She'd melt otherwise *shudder*."

"Persephone," continues **Jen 230**, having received an accurate answer for once, "would you rather go out with someone else? Excluding Hades of course."

"Oh nooooo," squeals Persephone, coming on eating a pomegranate, which seems a little bit stereotypical. "If you had been reading Robert Grave's illustrated edition of Greek Myths obsessively since the beginning of Year 8, (just like the host), you would know that despite never having any children by my dear Hades *sigh* I am _most_ faithful to him."

**Jen 230** finally comes to her last question. "Aphrodite, if you had a choice, would you rather kiss Ares, Hephaestus or Hermes?"

Aphrodite pirouettes on, also eating a pomegranate, which make the precious scenario seem slightly less stereotypical, or perhaps a bit more worrying. "Oh, honestly, darling, do you have to make me _think_ so much all the time? Oh, can't you decide for me?"

Paaaaaaause.

"Oh, well, Hermes was only a short term thing you know, but then again maybe that makes him the best one, and he's the only one with a good temper. Ooh, but Ares is awfully good looking if you know what I mean, so dashing and _masculine_ with his competitive nature and general incompetence. Hephaestus _is_ my husband so I suppose if I was feeling loyal I should go for him. Am I feeling loyal? I'll have to think about that." She stalks off.

**Jen 230** leaves the stage dramatically.

"The Olympians have ransacked our pomegranate supply!" screeches the director

**__________________________________________________________________________________**

**I am going to write the next chapter before I with everyone else's questions in next, so please be patient and you will see your question soon!**

**By the way, you may have realised that the host is me, but I have decided to base the director on my friend from school who is LongLiveInsanity on Fanfiction. You may know her from Twilight/Hannah Montana/Camp Rock/etc.**

**Thank-you ever so much for all the reviews people, I'm so glad that I have written something that people actively like and laugh at :D**

**Love Jay.**


	8. The Reality Show

**Ok, here's the second half of all the questions that have built up over my laziness. I'm sorry.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything-at all. Except the pyjamas I am wearing.**

**__________________________________________________________________________________**

"Welcome back!" cries your host. "We left you there wondering who was responsible for letting the Olympians lose on the pomegranates, and the bad news is, you're not going to find out! Hooray! So much for positive thinking! Also, please thank the marvellous **Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess **who thought of a name, which is 'The Reality Show'. I'm not sure how imaginative it is but it makes up for 66.6% recurring of the suggestions we've had so far. Anyhow, now that we've finally got over that thrilling interlude, please welcome **Bj-midge-4eva,** who has been ignoring us for some time."

**Bj-midge-4eva **comes on smiling ever so sweetly. "Neil," she begins, "which type of fruit do you think makes your skin nicest?"

At this, Cronus, who doesn't appear to have been invited to speak, leaps to his feet and roars: "There's a whole world out there, waiting to be taken over *evil laugh* and you're thinking about FRUIT?!"

"He interrupted me!" screeches Neil.

"Neil, you hadn't even started talking yet."

"Yes, but that silence was mine, mine I tell you! He interrupted my perfectly orchestrated silence that was to come before I would answer the question in a most competent and knowledgeable way! What_ shall_ I do now?"

"Answer the question."

Neil huffs and puffs a bit until he begins to find this boring. "Well, eating peaches gives your skin a _natural_ healthy glow," he begins, turning his head so that the rays of light coming from the 50 watt light bulb above him shine onto his skin. "Tomatoes are good for your hair and green tea facial masks are excellent for the skin (not that green tea is a fruit)."

"Archie," continues **Bj-midge-4eva**, "if you could say one thing to Atlanta before she died what would it be?"

"Just _one_ thing," Archie asks, sounding slightly disappointed.

"Were you planning a monologue, Archie?"

"Yes, Archie, just _one_ thing."

"Well… I guess I'd say… 'Bother'."

"_Bother?!_"

"Yes."

"That's not particularly heart felt or romantic."

"I think what our delightful reviewer meant," the hosts helpfully comments, "is that you can only say one sentence. Not just one word."

"Oh," says Archie. "I still think it would be 'bother' though."

"But why?"

"Well… I would be annoyed that she was about to die. It would be extremely irritating."

"Odie, do you know what kind of expressive techniques can be used when playing the guitar?" asks **Bj-midge-4eva** displaying a heart wrenchingly stuck-on-guitar-assignment expression.

"Excuse me while I pop out to do yet more research." grumbles the host.

"I'm afraid I know nothing about guitars," says Odie apologetically. "Unfortunately the host didn't quite understand what an expressive technique in a guitar was and despite approximately 2 minutes of hard researching, gave up. If you want some advice on computer programs on the other hand, the host knows even less but I can help you…"

"Jay," says **Bj-midge-4eva** quickly, "if you had to fight Cronus on a football field, would your strategic plan be to corner Cronus in one corner and Agnon in the other?"

"Football?" asks Jay in a well-mannered way. "What's football? Is it soccer? Are we going to have to fight Cronus on a soccer field?! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! We haven't considered the strategic plan for that kind of scenario! What are we going to do?! Aargh!"

"We're going to take a break now in which the 'My Little Pony' advert is played three times," the host announces. "Don't go away!"

_*Three replays of the 'My Little Pony' advert later.*_

"You rejoin us after that break," grins the host. "At least, I hope you rejoin us. Anyway, let us continue now that all thoughts of football have been banished from our minds."

"Theresa," begins **Bj-midge-4eva** who has rejoined us. "What are two bad points about Jay?"

"Well that's a really easy question," cries Theresa. "Why do I always get all the easy ones? Anyway, two bad points about Jay. One, he's obsessed with work most days. Two, on Tuesdays, he's _really _obsessed with work."

**Bj-midge-4eva** comes to the penultimate question. "Atlanta, do you like playing I-Spy?"

Atlanta holds up a piece of card on which is written 'I refuse to answer that question because it is insulting. P.S. I have nothing more to say.'

"That is the most insolent waste of a 'P.S.' I have ever seen!" screeches the old lady in the purple headscarf from the front row, who from now on will be called Olphra. Work it out yourselves.

"Well, anyway, seeing as I am going to have to go for supper soon, may we get on with the last question?" asks the host, while the director hops from foot to foot until his nervous jigging is mistaken for bad Irish dancing.

"Herry, can you speak Spanish?"

"Should I be able to?" asks Herry. "I don't remember any reference to anything remotely Spanish in my background in either series one or two."

"May I make a helpful suggestion?" suggests Odie, without waiting for a reply. "Shall we move on to the next reviewer?"

"Oh yes, smashing idea Odie my chum-it is **Ayume hime**!" announces the host.

"I love you, Theresa!" yells a man from the audience. He is quickly removed.

"Ooh, I have two questions for Archie!" cries **Ayume hime**, sniffing the rose that the man tried to throw at Theresa but not hard enough. "One, why did your parents name you Archie?"

"Ah, well," replies Archie, striking a warriors pose and then falling over. "Archie derives from the name 'Archibald' which means 'very bold'. They clearly foresaw my imminent hero-hood."

*cough cough*

"Two, what was your first kiss with Atlanta like?"

"Erm, really boring," states Archie. "You see, she was unconscious at the time and not particularly receptive. Still, it was boring in a thrilling sort of way."

**Ayume hime** bows, throws the rose at Archie who, true to form, returns it to Theresa, and exits in an unspecified manner. Next up is **Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess**, the newly crowned name Thinker-Upper. "What do you think your future will look like?" she asks.

"Well," begins Jay in a professional sort of way. "We will of course have to think about it very seriously, as your future is no laughing matter, I tell you. First, once we have finished saving the world, we must finish our schooling, going on to collage so that we can get good jobs, make sure we are financially stable, not get married too young…"

While this thrilling interlude is going on, **Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess** says "Did you guys ever get in trouble at school when you were younger?"

"Of course we did, what are you? Stupid?" replies Archie.

"Of course we didn't, what are you? Stupid?" says Neil.

"What do you think Jay's thoughts are on this matter?" asks Herry.

"Well, he's otherwise engaged, isn't he?" replies Odie.

"…secure job possibilities…" says Jay.

"What will it be the greatest news from your family? Someone in your family  
is pregnant? Going to visit you? What? You have to explain" asks an unnecessarily agitated **Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess.**

"Well," murmurs Archie unconvincingly. "I suppose if my mother suddenly told me I'd never have to eat prunes ever again I'd be pretty thrilled."

"…and then, when we retire at a reasonable age…"

"What are your favourite singers/bands and songs?" asks** Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess, **coming to the penultimate-penultimate question, in an attempt to pacify the director.

"Well, you can't beat a spot of Girls Aloud!" beams Jay, who has finished talking about the avoidance of substance abuse in order to secure your future.

"I agree," murmurs the host thoughtfully, stroking their ponytail (having no beard to stroke). "And I'm rather fond of West life. Is that what they're called? Oh well, they're all good except for Alexandra Burke *shudders*."

"Are you kidding!" shrieks Archie. "Alexandra Burke is the greatest!"

"I'm sorry, I can't agree with you on that one."

"Well, I believe you've grown as a person, Archie," announces Simon Cowl from the back. "And I really mean that." (A.N. for those of you who watch X Factor, you will know that he really did say that!)

"Simon Cowl has spoken!" cries Dermot O'Dreary, doing a little dapper dance on stage.

"Back to reality please!" yells Olphra.

"What are your favourite games on the computer? Sims? Worm Armageddon? What is it?" asks a hopefully realistic **Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess.**

Neil faints. Atlanta throws an orange at him. He wakes up.

"What's Worm Armageddon?" asks the orange.

"Worm Armageddon is an artillery game developed by Team17 where players can control up to eight worms in battle against opposing teams," announces the host, wearing stripy pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt with a Ribena stain on it. "The game is turn based, as each team takes a turn to move in a random based sequence across a two dimensional terrain, moving one worm at a time. The worms can run, jump, parachute, bungee jump and swing on a rope. The object of the game is to kill all of the opposing teams worms. Sounds dull. All praise Wikipedia-The Free Encyclopaedia!"

Everyone slowly wakes up and **Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess**, yawning, comes to her final question. "Do you think you will ever beat Cronus?"

"110% yes!" says Louis Walsh in a critically incorrect statement.

"Ooh, I don't know," replies Theresa. "At what time is this show set?"

"It isn't set at a specific time," grins the host, tucking into a paella. "I can't be bothered with that; therefore it is a terribly unspecific show. It all depends on your point of view (and unfortunately, I have no control over other people's points of view). I suppose you could say it doesn't follow canon, but I have never understood canon in stories. I thought it was something in music."

**Thunder-Handicapy-Goddess** bows, curtseys and exits.

**Aussie Rox!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D**, possessor of an unnecessarily (and annoying to write) name. Plus little imagination too, sadly. "Archie!" they cry, "How are you?! When was your and Atlanta's first kiss and how did it happen?"

"We've already discussed this," says Atlanta icily.

"More than once," points out Odie.

"Recurring theme *cough*," grumbles Archie.

"Unimaginative reviewers *cough*," grumbles the host. "(Don't worry **Aussie Rox!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D,** we love you anyway!"

"Question for all the group-how are you?!" cries **Aussie Rox!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D.** "Where would you rather go on a care free holiday-AWESOME AUSTRALIA or stupid Mexico?"

"You don't think they might possibly be hinting at Australia, do you?" whispers the host to Dannii Minogue. "(Anyway, I expect Dannii likes Australia!)"

"Oh, surely not," gushes Dannii. "Why would we do that?"

"Um, can we phone a friend?" asks Herry.

"Ok, Herry, who do you want to phone?" offer Chris Tarrant.

"Oh heck, it gets worse."

**Aussie Rox!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D **goes off whilst Herry attempts to become a millionaire (wish him luck everyone) and **Firestorm978,** who is a her by the way, come up on to the stage, sporting a pair of Converse trainers that look remarkably like the host's.

"Oh well, they're broken anyway."

"Neil," says **Firestrom978**, tipping the rainwater out of the holy trainers, "when was the first time you DID NOT put in you daily conditioner? I'm aware you've forgotten to put it on once. Or twice."

"What!?" screams Neil. "What? What!? WHAT!?"

"I said-"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!" Neil runs from the building leaving his glass slipper behind.

"Fetch the secret police!" yell the director. "And the smelling salts."

"Aphrodite," says **Firestorm978,** trying to cause more havoc. "If your beloved mirror was broken and the ONLY mirror left in the world was an old smudgy mirror, what would you do?"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!" screams Aphrodite, running from the building, leaving nothing behind.

"Fetch MI6!" yells the director. "Their building is somewhere along the Thames I believe. Forget the smelling salts."

**Firestorm978 **reaches her last question. The host continues listening to music by Beyonce. Cheryl Cole braids her hair. Chris Tarrant adjusts his tie. You could cut the atmosphere with a 5p piece. "What's the largest amount of food you guys have EVER eaten in your life?" cries **Firestorm978 **maniacally.

"You know," interjects the host. "It says here on a script I wrote a very long time ago to help myself with this show 'follow, History essay'. I have no idea what that means. Dammit."

"I have never made such a calculation," says Odie. "And if I haven't, quite frankly, no one else has."

"True."

Quickly, before everyone dies, **COTT's #1 fan in the world EVA, **also with a seemingly unnecessarily long name. (A.N. Oh well, I love you all.)

"Atlanta," they say. "Do you ever find that you are a target for being hypnotised?"

"What!?" barks Atlanta like a PE teacher. "What are you talking about? What is this obsession with everyone?! I have never been hypnotised you lower forms of life!"

"Yes… that's the slight problem with hypnosis."

"Now!" cries the host, in a sleep deprived way. "This is where the show ends…"

The audience breathes a great sigh of relief.

"…though not necessarily definitively…"

The audience sucks its sighs back.

"…but I really must go because I've been listening to this Beyonce song far too many times. Goodbye all!"

**__________________________________________________________________________________**

**Hi friends! Sorry it took so long! And I'm sorry if some of it's a bit weird, I wrote most of this really late at night.**

**Love Jay5merlin.**


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